Lesson 6

Lesson 6: Reducing Anxiety, Cognitive Distortions and Parental Self-care

Introduction

Welcome to Lesson 6 of our online course for parents of children with school refusal. In this lesson, we will focus on understanding and managing anxiety and fear, which are often underlying factors in school refusal. We’ll also talk about how to recognize what is known in Psychological circles as Cognitive Distortions in your child’s speech and thoughts. And finally, we’ll let you know why it’s important for you to take care of yourself. By the end of this lesson, you’ll be better equipped to support your child in coping with negative emotions.

By actively engaging with this lesson, we believe you will gain a deeper understanding of school refusal and acquire the tools necessary to support your child effectively. Together, we can reduce anxiety and create a positive and supportive environment that encourages your child’s successful return to school.

Let’s empower you, as a parent, to make a positive difference in your child’s life.

Objectives

Gain an understanding of anxiety in families.
Explore coping strategies for children and parents.
Learning how to pick up Distortions in your child’s thought and speech
Learn how to seek professional help and therapy options.

Reducing Anxiety in Your Child with School Refusal

Throughout this lesson, we will emphasize the importance of reducing anxiety and managing stress levels for both parents and children. By prioritizing these goals, you can create a more positive and supportive environment that will aid in your child’s progress. Researchers have found that 40% of children with anxiety-based school refusal have parents with an anxiety disorder. Therefore, it is necessary to address this in order to help both the child and the family at large.

Non-judgmental communication within families is crucial for fostering understanding, trust, and emotional well-being. When family members communicate without passing judgment, it creates a safe space where individuals feel free to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of criticism. This open and accepting environment promotes healthy relationships, allowing each family member to be their authentic selves. Non-judgmental communication encourages empathy and compassion, strengthening the family bond. It also enables family members to work together to address challenges, solve problems, and support each other effectively. Ultimately, a non-judgmental approach contributes to a positive family dynamic, where everyone feels valued and accepted.

Understanding Anxiety in families

Understanding anxiety and its connection within families is crucial, as it can influence a child’s experience with school refusal. Anxiety often has a genetic component, meaning that if family members have struggled with anxiety, there’s a higher likelihood that children may also face similar challenges. Furthermore, the way parents model and manage their own anxiety can significantly impact their children. Children observe and learn from their parents, so if parents exhibit anxious behaviors or avoidance in stressful situations, children may adopt similar coping mechanisms.

When parents model anxiety as a response to daily challenges, it can contribute to a heightened sense of apprehension in children. This learned behavior can manifest in various aspects of a child’s life, including their attitude towards school. The school environment, with its academic and social pressures, can trigger anxiety, and if children observe their parents avoiding or expressing distress in similar situations, it can reinforce the idea that avoiding discomfort is an acceptable response. This learned behavior can contribute to school refusal as children may replicate what they’ve observed, believing it to be an effective way to cope with their own anxieties. Addressing anxiety within the family dynamic becomes a crucial aspect of addressing school refusal, emphasizing the importance of modeling healthy coping strategies for both parents and children.

Here’s five strategies you can implement to counter anxiety in the home:

Open Communication: Foster an environment where family members feel comfortable discussing their feelings and concerns openly. Encourage everyone to share their experiences with anxiety, creating a supportive space for mutual understanding and no judgment.
Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Introduce and model effective coping strategies for managing anxiety. This can include deep breathing exercises, mindfulness techniques, or engaging in physical activities like walking or yoga. Practice these techniques together as a family to reinforce their effectiveness.
Normalize Challenges: Emphasize that it’s normal to face challenges and setbacks. Share stories of how individuals, including parents, have overcome difficulties. This normalization helps reduce the stigma around anxiety and promotes resilience.
Structured Routine: Establish a structured daily routine that includes designated times for relaxation and family activities. A consistent routine can provide a sense of stability and predictability, helping to manage anxiety for both parents and children.
Professional Support: If anxiety is significantly impacting family members, consider seeking professional help. A mental health professional can provide tailored strategies, coping mechanisms, and support for both parents and children. Professional guidance can be instrumental in developing a healthier family dynamic and addressing anxiety effectively.

Effective Communication Strategies with Children Experiencing School Refusal

When dealing with school refusal, it is crucial for parents to establish open and effective communication with their children. By fostering a supportive and understanding environment, parents can help reduce anxiety and encourage their children to express their thoughts and feelings about attending school. Here are some strategies to consider:

Active Listening: Take the time to actively listen to your child without interrupting or passing judgment. Show genuine interest in their concerns and validate their emotions. This will create a safe space for them to open up and share their fears and anxieties.
Empathy and Understanding: Try to put yourself in your child’s shoes and understand their perspective. Acknowledge their emotions and let them know that you understand how challenging school can be for them. This empathy will help build trust and strengthen your bond with your child.
Validate Their Feelings: It is important to acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings, even if you may not fully understand or agree with them. Let them know that it is okay to feel anxious or scared about going to school and that their emotions are valid.
Problem-Solving Approach: Encourage your child to brainstorm potential solutions together. By involving them in the process, you empower them to take ownership of finding ways to cope with their anxiety. Brainstorm ideas such as gradual exposure to school, breaks during the school day, or seeking support from a school counselor or therapist.
Avoid Power Struggles: It’s natural for parents to feel frustrated or worried when their child refuses to go to school, but engaging in power struggles can make the situation worse. Instead, prioritize collaboration and cooperation. Maintain a calm and patient demeanor, and work together to find common ground.
Seek Professional Help: If school refusal persists or becomes severe, it may be beneficial to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in working with children and anxiety. They can provide additional support and guidance tailored to your child’s specific needs.

Remember, effective communication is key in supporting your child through school refusal. By listening, validating their feelings, and working together, you can help reduce their anxiety and find strategies to overcome their challenges.

Implementing Coping Mechanisms and Stress Reduction Techniques

When it comes to helping your child with school refusal, implementing coping mechanisms and stress reduction techniques can play a crucial role in reducing their anxiety.

Coping Strategies for Children and Parents

Teaching your child effective coping strategies can help them manage anxiety. For children, what might seem like small things to adults can actually be really big and cause big feelings. Maybe it’s a difficult school assignment, a disagreement with a friend, or even a change in routine. These things can make children feel overwhelmed or upset, even if it seems small to us. It’s important for parents to understand that what might be easy for them to handle could be a big deal for their child. Being there to listen and help with these “little” things can make a huge difference for children, making them feel supported and understood.

As a parent, you can support your child by modelling healthy coping mechanisms. When you encounter stressful situations, you can demonstrate how you manage your own anxiety in a healthy way. Additionally, providing a safe and empathetic space for your child to express their fears and concerns is essential. Your understanding and reassurance can make a significant difference.

Here are some strategies you can try:

Deep Breathing Exercises: Encourage your child to practice deep breathing exercises when they feel overwhelmed. Teach them to take slow, deep breaths in through their nose, hold it for a few seconds, and then exhale slowly through their mouth. This can help calm their nervous system and lower their anxiety levels.
Mindfulness and Meditation: Introduce your child to mindfulness and meditation techniques. Encourage your child to stay present in the moment, helping them focus on what’s happening right now instead of worrying about the future. These practices can help them become more aware of their thoughts and feelings and learn to observe them without judgment. Encourage them to set aside a few minutes each day to practice mindfulness or engage in guided meditation.
Physical Activity: Engaging in regular physical activity can be an effective way to reduce stress and anxiety. Encourage your child to participate in activities they enjoy, such as sports, dancing, or yoga. Physical exercise releases endorphins, which are natural mood boosters.
Relaxation Techniques: Teach your child relaxation techniques, such as progressive muscle relaxation or visualization exercises. Progressive muscle relaxation involves tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups, helping to release tension in the body. Teach your child how to tense and then release muscle groups to reduce physical tension caused by anxiety. Visualization exercises involve guiding your child to imagine a peaceful and calming place.
Establish a Routine: Creating a consistent and structured routine can provide a sense of stability and predictability for your child. Help them establish regular sleeping patterns, mealtimes, and study schedules. Knowing what to expect each day can reduce anxiety and make the transition to school easier.
Encourage Expression: Encourage your child to express their feelings and thoughts through writing, drawing, or talking. Provide a safe and non-judgmental space for them to share their concerns. This can help them process their emotions and find relief from anxiety.

Remember, implementing coping mechanisms and stress reduction techniques may require patience and practice. It’s important to support your child in finding what works best for them and to be consistent in their implementation.

Strategies of support in your home

Creating a supportive environment at home is crucial for encouraging school attendance and reducing anxiety in children with school refusal. By implementing the following strategies, you can provide a nurturing atmosphere that promotes a positive attitude towards school:

Open Communication: Establish open lines of communication with your child. Encourage them to express their feelings and concerns about school in a non-judgmental manner. Actively listen and validate their emotions to help them feel understood and supported.
Daily Routine: Establish a consistent daily routine that includes set times for waking up, getting ready for school, meals, homework, and leisure activities. A predictable routine provides structure and stability, reducing uncertainty and anxiety.
Create a Safe Space: Designate a quiet and comfortable area in your home where your child can study or engage in activities related to school. This space should be free from distractions and provide a sense of security, promoting focus and concentration.
Encourage Independence: Foster your child’s independence by involving them in decision-making related to school, such as choosing school supplies or planning their schedule. Encouraging autonomy helps them develop a sense of ownership and control, boosting their confidence.
Positive Reinforcement: Praise your child’s efforts and achievements, no matter how small they may seem. Celebrate their successes and offer encouragement when facing challenges. Positive reinforcement can boost their self-esteem and motivate them to overcome obstacles.
Collaborate with Teachers: Establish a collaborative relationship with your child’s teachers. Regularly communicate with them to stay informed about your child’s progress and any concerns they may have. Working together as a team can provide valuable support and ensure a consistent approach between home and school.
Seek Professional Help: If your child’s school refusal persists or worsens despite your efforts, consider seeking professional help. Consult with a mental health professional or school counselor who can provide additional strategies and support tailored to your child’s specific needs.

Remember, creating a supportive environment at home takes time and patience. By implementing these strategies, you can help alleviate anxiety and promote a positive mindset towards school attendance for your child with school refusal.

Anxiety in Different Age Groups

Young Children:

Young children’s mental health is significantly influenced by various factors. A stable and supportive family environment plays a pivotal role in shaping their emotional well-being. Positive interactions, consistent routines, and secure attachments contribute to a sense of safety. However, disruptions in family dynamics, exposure to trauma, or neglect can have adverse effects on their mental health. Moreover, early educational experiences, peer relationships, and exposure to media content can also impact their developing minds. For young children, challenges in these areas may manifest in anxiety, behavioral issues, or difficulties adapting to new situations, potentially leading to school refusal. Strategies to help young children cope can include:

Establish Routine and Predictability: Create a consistent daily routine that includes set times for meals, play, and sleep. Predictability helps young children feel secure and reduces anxiety.
Encourage Open Communication: Foster an environment where children feel comfortable expressing their emotions. Encourage them to talk about their day, feelings, and any concerns they may have.
Promote Healthy Sleep Habits: Ensure that young children get adequate sleep. Establish a calming bedtime routine, limit screen time before bed, and create a comfortable sleep environment.
Provide Positive Reinforcement: Acknowledge and praise positive behaviors. Positive reinforcement helps build confidence and a sense of accomplishment in children.
Engage in Play Therapy: Use play as a form of therapy. Play allows children to express themselves creatively and helps therapists understand their emotions and concerns.

Tweens and Teens:

Adolescence is a critical period where mental health can be particularly vulnerable. The teenage years involve significant biological, cognitive, and emotional changes. Peer relationships become increasingly influential, and issues like bullying, social pressure, or identity struggles can contribute to mental health challenges. Academic stress, performance expectations, and concerns about the future also play a role. Additionally, hormonal fluctuations can influence mood and contribute to conditions like anxiety or depression. For some teens, school refusal may emerge as a coping mechanism to deal with the complexities and pressures of adolescence. Strategies to help tweens and teens cope can include:

Develop Coping Mechanisms: Assist teens in identifying healthy coping mechanisms for stress, such as deep breathing, journaling, or engaging in hobbies. These techniques can help manage anxiety.
Encourage Peer Support: Foster healthy peer relationships. Encourage teens to build a support network of friends who share common interests and values, providing a sense of belonging.
Teach Time Management: Help teens develop effective time management skills. Balancing academic responsibilities, extracurricular activities, and personal time reduces stress and promotes overall well-being.
Promote Physical Activity: Regular physical exercise is linked to improved mental health. Encourage teens to engage in activities they enjoy, whether it’s sports, yoga, or simply going for a walk.
Provide Access to Professional Support: Normalize seeking professional help. If teens are experiencing significant mental health challenges, connecting them with a therapist or counselor can provide valuable support and guidance.

Older Teenagers:

As teenagers transition into late adolescence, the impactors on mental health become more nuanced. The pressure to make life-altering decisions about education and career paths intensifies. Issues such as body image, peer acceptance, and romantic relationships continue to shape their mental well-being. Exposure to societal expectations and the increasing independence and responsibility can bring about heightened stress. For some older teenagers, mental health challenges like anxiety disorders or depressive symptoms may exacerbate, leading to a higher risk of school refusal. Issues related to self-esteem, social comparison, and the ability to cope with life’s demands all contribute to the complex interplay between mental health and the decision to attend or avoid school. Strategies to help older teens cope can include:

Facilitate Goal Setting: Assist older teenagers in setting realistic short-term and long-term goals. Breaking down larger tasks into manageable steps can alleviate feelings of overwhelm.
Encourage Independence: Foster independence by allowing older teenagers to make decisions and learn from their experiences. This helps build resilience and adaptability.
Teach Stress-Reduction Techniques: Introduce stress reduction techniques such as mindfulness, meditation, or progressive muscle relaxation. These strategies can be valuable tools for managing anxiety.
Promote Healthy Lifestyle Choices: Emphasize the importance of a balanced lifestyle, including nutritious eating, regular exercise, and sufficient sleep. These factors contribute to overall well-being.
Provide Guidance on Decision-Making: Support older teenagers in making informed decisions about their future. Offer guidance on educational and career choices, helping them navigate the challenges of this transitional period.

The links between anxiety and depression

Anxiety and depression are like two puzzle pieces that often fit together, creating a tough situation for people. They share similar feelings, like changes in sleep, trouble concentrating, feeling easily irritated, and being tired a lot. Our body’s chemicals, like serotonin and norepinephrine, can sometimes get a bit mixed up, making these feelings stronger. If someone in the family had these feelings before, it might make it more likely for you or your child to feel this way too.

When we face a lot of stress for a long time, it can make these feelings show up. Stress messes with our body and mind, and if it sticks around, it can lead to anxiety or depression. Also, how we think about things can make a big difference. If we often think negatively or doubt ourselves, it can make both anxiety and depression stick around.

Sometimes, people have both anxiety and depression at the same time. They team up and make things more challenging. This can happen because one feeling might trigger the other. Dealing with both can be tricky, but there are ways to help, like talking to someone who knows about these things and finding strategies that work for your child’s specific situation. A very basic explanation is that anxiety is fear about the future (I can’t do this), and depression is often fear about the past (eg. I can’t believe I said that at the party, people must think I’m so stupid).

Recognizing Cognitive Distortions

Cognitive distortions are patterns of negative thinking that can impact a child or teen’s perception of themselves, others, and the world around them. These distorted thoughts often reinforce negative emotions and contribute to challenges like school refusal. Retraining how a child thinks is crucial for promoting a healthier mindset and well-being.

Parents can help recognize cognitive distortions by being attentive to certain thought patterns. For example, if a child consistently engages in “all-or-nothing” thinking, seeing things as only good or bad with no middle ground, it can be a cognitive distortion. Catastrophizing, where a child expects the worst possible outcome, is another common distortion. Overgeneralization, taking one negative event and seeing it as a never-ending pattern of defeat, is also a red flag. Let’s take a look at the most common distortions. (NOTE: the following table is not included in the audio/video, please read).

Cognitive Distortion	Description	Example Thought
All-or-Nothing Thinking	Seeing situations in extreme, either-or categories with no middle ground.	“If I’m not the best in the class, I’m a complete failure.”
Catastrophizing	Expecting the worst possible outcome, even if it’s unlikely to happen.	“Failing this test means my whole academic future is ruined.”
Overgeneralization	Taking one negative event and seeing it as a never-ending pattern of defeat.	“I failed at math once, so I’m just bad at every subject.”
Discounting the Positive	Dismissing positive experiences or qualities, focusing only on the negative.	“Getting a good grade was just luck, not because I worked hard.”
Mind Reading	Assuming they know what others are thinking, usually assuming negative thoughts.	“Everyone is judging and criticizing me in class.”
Emotional Reasoning	Believing that feelings reflect objective reality.	“I feel unpopular, so I must be genuinely disliked by everyone.”
Should Statements	Having a rigid set of rules about how they and others “should” behave.	“I should always excel academically; anything less is a failure.”
Personalization	Taking responsibility for events outside their control or blaming themselves for everything.	“My parents’ divorce happened because of something I did.”
Labeling	Assigning global, negative labels to themselves or others based on specific behaviors.	“I made a mistake, so I’m just stupid.”
Selective Filtering	Focusing only on the negative aspects of a situation while ignoring the positive.	“Even though I got positive feedback, I’m only dwelling on the criticism.”

Understanding and addressing these cognitive distortions can be crucial for promoting a more balanced and realistic perspective in children and teens.

How Cognitive Distortions might impact your child’s school refusal

Cognitive distortions can significantly impact children’s school refusal by influencing their perceptions and emotions related to school. Here’s how:

All-or-Nothing Thinking: Children might see attending school as an all-or-nothing situation. If they can’t be the best or have a perfect experience, they may feel it’s not worth going at all.
Catastrophizing: Anticipating the worst possible outcomes, such as imagining a day at school as a catastrophe, can intensify anxiety and contribute to the desire to avoid school.
Overgeneralization: If a child has a negative experience at school, they might generalize it to believe that every day will be just as bad, making them reluctant to attend.
Discounting the Positive: Ignoring positive aspects of the school experience can lead children to focus only on the negatives, reinforcing the idea that school is overwhelmingly unpleasant.
Mind Reading: Assuming that others at school are thinking negatively about them can create social anxiety and make children reluctant to face potential judgment or criticism.
Emotional Reasoning: If a child believes that their feelings accurately reflect reality, negative emotions about school can become powerful reasons to avoid it.
Should Statements: Setting unrealistic expectations for themselves academically or socially can create immense pressure. If they feel they “should” excel in every aspect, they may avoid situations where they fear falling short.
Personalization: Blaming themselves for any negative school-related events, such as bullying or academic challenges, can contribute to feelings of guilt or inadequacy, impacting their willingness to attend.
Labeling: Attaching negative labels to themselves based on specific school-related incidents can erode self-esteem, making the prospect of attending school emotionally challenging.
Selective Filtering: Focusing solely on the negative aspects of school while ignoring positive experiences can create a distorted view, reinforcing the perception that school is an overwhelmingly negative environment.

Recognizing and addressing these cognitive distortions through interventions like cognitive-behavioral therapy can be crucial in helping children develop a more balanced and realistic perspective, ultimately reducing school refusal behaviors. Check out the Homework for exercises to help counter your child’s Cognitive Distortions.

Self-care for parents

Prioritizing parental mental health is not just a matter of personal well-being, but a vital element in fostering a healthy and thriving family environment. When parents are mentally healthy, they are better equipped to provide their children with the love, support, and guidance they need to develop emotionally, socially, and academically. Parents can act as role models for healthy coping mechanisms, manage stress effectively, and maintain a positive outlook, creating a stable and nurturing home for their children. Moreover, taking care of their own mental health enables parents to be more patient, understanding, and responsive to their children’s needs, fostering stronger and more secure parent-child relationships. Ultimately, investing in parental mental health contributes not just to individual well-being but also to the overall development and happiness of the entire family.

Just like when the flight attendant instructs you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others during an emergency, prioritizing your mental health as a parent is crucial for the well-being of your entire family. Think of yourself as the oxygen mask, and your mental health as the oxygen supply. When you’re depleted and running low, it’s impossible to effectively provide the care and support your children need.

If you’re constantly stressed, overwhelmed, and emotionally drained, your ability to be patient, understanding, and responsive to your children’s needs diminishes. This can lead to strained relationships, increased conflict, and ultimately, an unhealthy family environment.

By taking care of your mental health, you’re essentially filling your own oxygen mask first. This allows you to:

Respond to your children with empathy and understanding: When you’re feeling calm and centered, you’re better equipped to manage difficult situations and handle your children’s emotions effectively.
Be a positive role model: Your children learn from watching you. By prioritizing self-care and demonstrating healthy coping mechanisms, you teach them valuable lessons about emotional well-being.
Have more energy and resilience: Taking care of yourself physically and mentally boosts your energy levels and makes you more resistant to stress. This allows you to be more present and engaged with your children.
Strengthen your family relationships: When you’re mentally healthy, you have more patience, compassion, and love to share with your family. This fosters stronger bonds and creates a more positive and supportive home environment.

Self-Care Strategies for Parents:

Prioritize Sleep: Aim for 7-8 hours of quality sleep each night. Establish a regular sleep schedule and create a relaxing bedtime routine.
Engage in Physical Activity: Exercise regularly to release stress, improve mood, and boost energy levels. Aim for at least 30 minutes of moderate-intensity activity most days of the week.
Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques like meditation and deep breathing can help manage stress and anxiety. Start with short, 5-minute sessions and gradually increase the duration as you become more comfortable.
Connect with Others: Spend time with loved ones, friends, and support groups. Social interaction can provide emotional support, reduce stress, and boost happiness.
Make Time for Yourself: Schedule regular time for activities you enjoy, even if it’s just for 15 minutes each day. This could be reading, taking a bath, listening to music, or engaging in a favorite hobby.

Additional Tips:

Delegate tasks and ask for help when needed.
Set realistic expectations for yourself and your children.
Avoid comparing yourself to other parents.
Seek professional help if you’re struggling with mental health challenges.

Remember, taking care of yourself is essential for being the best parent you can be. Don’t feel guilty about prioritizing your own well-being – it’s an investment in your family’s overall happiness and well-being.

Conclusion

In this lesson, we’ve explored anxiety in children, coping strategies for both children and parents as well as how impactful Cognitive Distortions can be on your child’s mental health. We also looked at critical importance of seeking professional help and therapy options when anxiety is a substantial factor contributing to school refusal.

As we come to the end of this lesson, we hope that you have gained valuable insight and knowledge to support both yourself and your child. The journey of helping your child overcome school refusal can be challenging, but with the right strategies and support, it is possible.

Share any new coping mechanisms you’ve tried in the forum or on our private Facebook group. Remember to take care of yourself during these difficult times – we’ve got your back. Reach out if you need any help or you have any questions and don’t forget that doing the Homework can help solidify your learning so you can help your child. See you for Lesson 7 where we talk specifically about bullying and strategies you can implement to help your child navigate the meanies at school.

Before you move onto Lesson 7, please complete the Homework for Lesson 6