Lesson 5: Having difficult conversations with your child
Introduction
Welcome to Lesson 5 of our online course designed for parents of children grappling with school refusal. In this lesson, we will emphasize the significance of having open, honest conversations with your child. By the end of this lesson, you’ll have some really effective tools to use to start these difficult discussions.
Engaging in challenging conversations with your child, especially when it involves school refusal, is important for fostering a healthy and supportive environment. Confronting these issues head-on is essential, as avoiding such discussions can allow problems to linger and worsen over time. Modeling avoidance behaviors can inadvertently communicate to your child that it’s okay to sidestep difficult topics. Approaching these conversations with a calm and unemotional demeanor is equally important, ensuring that both you and your child can discuss matters without becoming overly triggered (we call this the grey-rock approach). This approach not only helps address school refusal but also sets the foundation for open communication and problem-solving, contributing to your child’s overall well-being.
Objectives:
- Learn conflict resolution strategies
- Learn how and why to have difficult conversations
- Learn how to write behavioral contracts
Navigating Conflict in the home
Navigating conflicts within the home can be a challenging and stressful experience for all family members. Tensions and disagreements, whether they arise between parents, siblings, or involve broader family dynamics, can create an environment that feels emotionally charged. The stress of conflict not only affects individual well-being but also influences the overall atmosphere in the home. Recognizing and understanding the impact of these tensions is the first step toward fostering a healthier and more harmonious family environment. Addressing conflicts proactively can lead to effective resolutions, fostering better communication, understanding, and ultimately contributing to a more positive and supportive home life.
Here are six strategies to put into place for resolving conflict in the home:
Open Communication: Encourage open and honest communication among family members. Provide a space where everyone feels comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. Active listening is crucial to understanding each other’s perspectives. Staying respectful is also helpful to not lose control.
Establish Clear Expectations: Set clear expectations for behavior and responsibilities within the household. Having defined roles and expectations helps prevent misunderstandings and reduces the likelihood of conflicts arising from unmet expectations. If an Agreement is made always clarify who is doing what, and in what time frame to avoid miscommunication and word-twisting.
Use “I” Statements: When discussing concerns, use “I” statements to express your feelings without placing blame. For example, say “I feel upset when…” instead of “You always…” This approach promotes personal responsibility and helps avoid defensiveness.
Collaborative Problem-Solving: Approach conflicts as challenges to be solved together. Collaborate on finding mutually beneficial solutions rather than focusing on winning or losing. This promotes a sense of teamwork and shared responsibility. Brainstorming ideas to solve issues is also beneficial.
Establish Boundaries: Clearly define personal boundaries and respect each other’s space. Understanding and respecting individual boundaries can prevent conflicts related to personal space, privacy, and differing needs for alone time.
Establish and Maintain Respectful Relations: Cultivate an environment of respect among family members. Treat each other with kindness and consideration. Recognize and appreciate individual strengths and differences, and maintain healthy, positive relationships within the household.
Remember, you’re the adult in the room and to enforce these rules, you will need to model these behaviors.
Having difficult conversations: The rules
Removing emotion, particularly sadness or anger from discussions is crucial when having difficult conversations. Firstly, strong emotions can cloud our judgment and make it difficult to think clearly and logically. This can lead to miscommunication, misunderstandings, and potentially hurtful words being said. Secondly, children are highly attuned to their parents’ emotions, and witnessing sadness or anger can cause them to feel anxious, stressed, or even responsible for their parents’ feelings.
For older children, it might open the opportunity up for bullying or ridicule by the child so as to avoid and deflect the discussion. This can create a negative atmosphere and hinder productive communication. Lastly, when parents approach discussions calmly and rationally, they set a positive example for their children and teach them valuable emotional regulation skills. By modeling effective communication, parents can empower their children to communicate their own feelings clearly and resolve conflict constructively.
Conflict can be exhausting and terrifying on many levels, so it’s important to resolve it early. Often school refusal comes with domestic disharmony, disputes, tantrums, tears, and physical and mental abuse. If both parties have been conditioned that conflict is the norm, having a conversation may very quickly revert to this behaviour. Remember also that sometimes a child will over-react or react badly to stop the conversation and not have to deal with the consequences. Having a written outline or script is a positive way to move forward in this regard.
Concentrate on these three steps first:
I feel (what emotion)
About what (not about who)
I need (positive need, not negative need)
Do not threaten a consequence you are not going to fulfill
Write your script out in full and make sure there’s no emotive language:
1. Name the issue
2. Give a specific example that illustrates the behavior or the situation to change
3. Describe your emotions about the issue (but do not become over-emotional)
4. Clarify what is as stake
5. Identify your contribution to the problem
6. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue
7. Invite the other person to respond
These rules are to be outlined prior to the start of the conversation:
· One person is the speaker, the other is the listener
· Focus on understanding each other’s position on the issue
· Speaker presents their position without blame or criticism
· Listener does not interrupt with their own points until it’s their turn to be speaker
· Postpone solving the problem until the end
Some tips
â–ª Pick a time and a quiet place to have the conversation with no distractions.
â–ª Start by saying “I have something I’d like to say to you. Please hear me out until the end without interrupting me.”
â–ª Begin speaking and do not let your emotions get the better of you.
â–ª Always remain calm and respectful. Become the grey rock (see the Tips, homework and case studies page) and try not to be triggered.
. Never threaten a consequence you will not follow through with.
An example difficult conversation
The following difficult conversation was written by a mother who finished this course. She struggled as a single parent with teenage boys who are much bigger and stronger than she is. She stayed on track and wrote everything down which I would suggest you do so you don’t forget anything. You’ll see she did a great job of following the rules above. This is what she wrote (oh and side note – this momma bear got her boys back to school).
“I have something I’d like to say to you, please hear me out until the end without interrupting me.
NAME THE ISSUE
What I want to talk to you about is your lack of commitment to school.
SELECT A SPECIFIC EXAMPLE THAT ILLUSTRATES THE BEHAVIOR OR SITUATION TO CHANGE
Over the past term of 7.5 weeks you have attended 7 full days of school and 4 half days. Often you say you are sick injured or too tired, but you carry on vaping which makes you worse, and on the days you are sick you go out, and you will often go out late and not get enough sleep.
DESCRIBE YOUR EMOTIONS ABOUT THE ISSUE
I’m desperately saddened and so disappointed for you because this is such a good opportunity, but I feel disrespected and taken advantage of at the same time.
CLARIFY WHAT IS AT STAKE
It is your future at stake and I’m not prepared to pay for it anymore unless you show serious commitment.
IDENTIFY YOUR CONTRIBUTION TO THIS PROBLEM
I know I’ve struggled with following through with consequences and boundaries, which has led to your feeling like you can do whatever you want.
INDICATE YOUR WISH TO RESOLVE THE ISSUE
I really want to work on this with you and this time I’m going to follow through, as I said in my text about taking you out of the Private School. So to commit to this we need to talk about excuses, that saying you are sick or injured or tired is not acceptable, get to school whether you are sick, injured or tired. I don’t like you vaping, it seems it is making you sick, you’re clearly addicted, I don’t know how to stop you because you will do it behind my back, but what I’m saying is, if you don’t go to school I’m taking you out.
INVITE YOUR CHILD TO RESPOND
Would you like to comment?
Behavioral contracts
Introducing behavioral contracts can be a transformative strategy for addressing school refusal in children. These contracts serve as explicit agreements between parents, educators, and the child, outlining specific expectations and consequences related to school attendance. By clearly defining behavioral goals and the corresponding rewards or consequences, these contracts provide a structured framework to address and modify the child’s reluctance to attend school. Behavioral contracts not only offer a roadmap for the child’s responsibilities but also establish a collaborative approach, involving both parents and educators in fostering a positive and supportive environment to overcome school refusal challenges. This proactive method aims to encourage regular school attendance while fostering communication and accountability among all stakeholders involved.
Here’s an example Behavioral Contract you can use as a template if you choose to use this strategy. Obviously adjust this to suit your requirements and work on this with your child so you’re both buying into the success of the Contract:
Goal
[The child] will be ready to leave for school on time (specify the time)
Steps for success
[The child] will pack her backpack and have her uniform ready the night before
Mom will remind [the child] of the time 15 minutes before it’s time to leave
[The child] will wait to go on computer only after she is ready to leave
Rewards (Positive Reinforcement)
[The child] will earn 30 minutes extra screen time each day she is on time for school
If [the child] is on time 4/5 days per week, her weekend curfew will extend 30 minutes
Consequences (Negative Punishment)
[The child] loses access to all screens for the whole day if she is late to school
If [the child] does not follow her Steps for Success at least 4/5 days, her weekend curfew will be moved 30 minutes earlier
Signatures
Both parties sign and date their Agreement
Conclusion
We’ve reached the end of Lesson 5 lecture material, but as usual, there’s exercises in the Homework, Tips and Case Studies page. We’d like you to look at these to solidify and personalize your learning and help to create a more harmonious home for you and your family. Engaging in the online forum or the private Facebook group can help you to unload your thoughts and feelings while bringing others into the discussions.
In wrapping up, talking with your child about school troubles is really important, and it’s okay to tackle tricky subjects. Creating a plan together, like a behavioral contract, can make things clearer and help everyone involved. By sticking to this plan and keeping communication open, you’re not just solving the school refusal puzzle but also building a stronger connection with your child. Remember, it’s a team effort, and with patience and understanding, you’re setting the stage for better days ahead.
Before you move onto Lesson 6, please complete the Homework for Lesson 5