Strategies for a harmonious home
In our last lesson I’m offering you some proven strategies to help you create a harmonious home for the family. Some of these may shock you, but trust me they work and many are underpinned by psychological theories like Operant Conditioning like we learned at the beginning of this course (see if you can pinpoint the positive/negative reinforcement/punishments for practice). The real clincher for these strategies is to be consistent in following the rules and don’t give in. Remember if you’re changing the rules, you’re going to get push-back from the kids so you need to stand your ground and maintain authority. Some you may dismiss, and that’s fine, but trust me they all do work and parents who have implemented these in their home swear by them now. Some of these strategies have been embedded in the course content so will seem familiar to you. The first 12 strategies are important and they’re all helpful.
Here goes:
Link privileges to good behavior
Privileges should be taken away if your child is disrespectful to you or others, refuses to comply with house rules or calls or anyone else names. Privileges are electronics, internet, money, driving, gaming, sleepovers, time with friends and should only be allowed to access when they are behaving appropriately.
A NOTE FROM DR LYNETTE: Online gaming is a big problem and results in a lot of school refusal, though this refusal does lean towards truancy rather than anxiety-based school refusal. It’s important to limit their gaming and use it as a reward (it is a privilege after all) so, if your teen is being disrespectful, remove the gaming as punishment for the bad behavior (Negative Punishment). Ensure you set a consistent bedtime and make sure your child does not game at night as it impacts their sleep and children often use their tiredness as an excuse not to get up early to get to school.
Avoid repetition
Don’t be a nag – it doesn’t work and encourages defiance while undermining your authority. Instead, give directions, and make sure your child understands what is required. Offer only one warning and then follow through with a consequence that is commensurate with the task. There may be tantrums to start but compliance will come quickly if you use this technique, and you’ll have a more peaceful household.
Always enforce consequences
Never threaten a consequence that you will not enforce, you’ll lose your authority when your child calls your bluff. If the child doesn’t comply, provide the consequence in a calm manner. You might say, “You didn’t clean your room like I asked you to, so you won’t be allowed to go to the movies,” or, “Since you came home late tonight you won’t have access to the car this weekend.”
Teach that actions have consequences
Do not rescue your child from the consequences of their behavior as this only encourages further defiance and a lack of respect. So, if they backtalk a teacher, don’t make excuses for this behavior or try to have the punishment lessened. Instead, talk to your child about how they should make choices that work in their favor rather than choices that ultimately make them unhappy.
Be the grey rock
Parenting is hard and can get overly emotional. When your child is defiant, they may be angry, and this may make you angry. Emotional gut reactions generally don’t help calm conflict, so it’s best to recognize what’s occurring and remove the instinct to be angry, but rather handle the situation in a calm voice. Often children provoke fights to deflect from the situation at hand. Repeat in your head ‘be the grey rock’, to calm yourself and remove all emotion, and maintain a more logical approach.
Have a plan
If you think your child will become angry create a strategy beforehand. Plan what you’ll say to your child ahead of time (see the conflict resolution strategy in Lesson 8) before they act out again, and deliver your message in a simple, clear, respectful, and calm manner.
Praise good behavior, catch them doing good things
Offer your teen a compliment or thank you when you see them making a good choice or doing something you asked. Something like, “Thanks so much for cleaning your room without even being asked” (make sure your compliments aren’t sarcastic or over the top). This will encourage your teen to continue to do good things. If you’re always on their back about what they do wrong, they might become dis-empowered and think they can’t do anything right, so why bother. Acknowledge the small steps they take in positive directions.
Teach problem solving
When things are calm, you might say, “This behavior won’t solve your problem, it’ll only get you into more trouble. So how can you solve this problem differently next time?” Listen to what your child says and offer ideas if they can’t come up with anything.
Focus on one behavior at a time
If your child is defiant in several different ways, it will be difficult and exhausting to try to address all the problems at one. So, if your child is disrespecting or swearing at everyone in the family, not doing their homework and breaking their curfew, decide which of these behaviors you cannot live with or seems most detrimental to the child’s or other’s safety. Choose just one behavior that is bothering you the most and plan the steps you will take to improve that behavior. When you’ve enforced consequences for the first behavior and it’s under control, move onto the next most bothersome behavior. Be consistently consistent.
Pick your battles
Decide which battles are worth fighting for and which are best to let go. Avoid power struggles. Many times, teens will use petty arguments to delay having to comply with rules. Instead, concentrate only on battles that truly need your attention to protect your teen’s well-being. By avoiding minor disagreements, you create a more peaceful environment for your family, which can give your teen more confidence to approach you on more significant issues.
Stay respectful – you’re the adult in the room
Teens often come across as rude and disrespectful to their parents, teachers, or other authority figures, which can be frustrating. Sadly, many adults respond by being rude and disrespectful back, but this is not constructive. As the adult, you must model the behavior you want to see. Regardless of what you “preach,” if your teen sees you respond disrespectfully to them, they will assume that disrespectful behavior is appropriate.
Get support
When our children act inappropriately, it becomes easy to think we’re bad parents. Don’t buy into these negative thoughts or isolate yourself. Instead, find someone to talk to, whether it’s a therapist, support group, friend, or a trusted family member. You’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel when someone simply listens to you.
Other parenting tips and tricks to help moderate your child’s behaviour:
- Talk with your child about school and why they don’t want to go. Ask, ‘If you could change one thing about school, what would it be?’
- For younger children, have them score each part of their school day out of ten to try to find where the issue is. Break the day up into sections: the bus ride, the classroom, recess, specialist classes, peers, etc. Very young children can point to sad faces or smiley faces to give them a voice.
- Is there anything happening at home that could trigger this behavior? Domestic violence, a sick relative or pet? A death in the family? Have you recently moved home or school? Is there drug or alcohol misuse or abuse in the home?
- Have conversations not interrogations (important especially for older children).
- Teach your child to problem solve issues that are age appropriate.
- Use positive reinforcements if you’d like a behaviour to improve, say “I see you’ve been working on your science project, and I know it’s been tough and I’m proud of you for persisting. Let’s get some ice-cream to celebrate your good work.”
- Nobody gets top grades all the time, and it’s important that your child understands you don’t expect perfection. Encourage that they try, rather than get high grades.
- Break tasks like the science project up into chunks and using breaks as rewards for getting through each chunk.
- If homework is a trigger, consider hiring an older student or university student to help monitor the homework and ease any stress on the family. Children usually behave better for other people.
- Avoid judgement and irritability. Let your child know you don’t expect perfection, you just want them to reach their full potential.
- Be consistently consistent in all your parenting (except the dodgy stuff).
Congratulations!
You’ve Completed the Course
As you reach the end of this self-guided online course, we want to extend our warmest congratulations to you. You have taken a significant step towards understanding and addressing your child’s school refusal. Your commitment to learning and seeking solutions is commendable, and we are proud of your dedication throughout this journey.
Throughout the course, you have gained valuable insights into the complexities surrounding school refusal and discovered a range of effective strategies to support your child. We hope that the knowledge and tools provided have empowered you to navigate this challenging situation and make positive changes in your family’s life.
Remember that every child is unique, and there may not be a one-size-fits-all solution. However, the skills and understanding you have developed will serve as a strong foundation for you to tailor interventions that meet your child’s specific needs.
It’s important to acknowledge that this journey may continue beyond this course. We encourage you to stay connected with the supportive community of parents who have faced similar challenges. Sharing experiences, seeking advice, and offering support can make a significant difference in your ongoing efforts to support your child’s educational journey.
As you move forward, remember the importance of patience, empathy, and open communication with your child. Celebrate every small step towards progress and be prepared for setbacks. Your dedication and unwavering support will ultimately make a profound impact on your child’s well-being and academic success.
Once again, congratulations on completing this course. We wish you all the best as you continue on this path of understanding, advocating, and creating a positive educational experience for your child. You are an inspiration to other parents facing similar challenges, and may your journey be filled with growth, resilience, and success.
Please remember to continue to chat on our forum or private Facebook page to keep the conversation moving – if you have a win, you can post and give hope to other parents who are struggling.
I look forward to hearing about your wins. Keep in touch,
Regards
Dr Lynette
References
References
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Hello Driven, 2022, Resilience Domains, Hello Driven, https://home.hellodriven.com/resilience-training/
Koepp, MJ, Lawrence, AD, Gunn, RN, Cunningham, VJ, Dagher, A, Jones, T, Brooks, DJ, Bench, CJ, & Grasby PM, 1998, Evidence for striatal dopamine release during a video game. Nature Vol. 393, pp266-268, https://doi.org/10.1038/30498
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These references and further reading materials offer a more in-depth understanding of school refusal, its causes, and various approaches to treatment and support. They can serve as valuable resources for both parents and educators looking to explore this topic further.